What is still birth?

What is stillbirth? Stillbirth is carrying your baby to 36 weeks with a healthy pregnancy, feeling your baby kick and stretch, hiccup and punch. Stillbirth is watching your baby grow through ultrasounds and hit every milestone. Stillbirth is going to Disneyland and holding your belly as you watch your oldest ride all the rides then relaxing on the beach and closing your eyes hearing the sound of the waves and imagining that this time next year you will have 2 little ones running around. Still birth is finding out that you will finally have a daughter, someone to play dress up with and do all the girly things mommy’s do with their little girls. Stillbirth is going crazy buying everything pink, cute little dresses and headbands. Stillbirth is when big brother or daddy walk in the room and baby goes crazy in the belly at the sound of their voice. Stillbirth is finding the perfect name for her and calling her by it from the moment you found out she was Eva Gianna. Still birth is having a beautiful baby shower hosted by your mother and close friend, playing all those fun baby shower games and receiving more beautiful baby girl gifts. Stillbirth is your mom coming over the following Saturday to help put together the crib she bought at the foot of your bed and lay the bedding set  your dad bought his 8th grand-daughter. Still birth is buying the last of the things your baby girl will need before her grand arrival. Stillbirth is waking up Monday morning, getting ready for work and wondering why she hasn’t moved much. Stillbirth is texting your husband your concerns and he becomes just as worried. Stillbirth is going to work, eating breakfast and hoping that’ll get her going. Still birth is feeling a little flutter and that giving you all the hope in the world. Stillbirth is texting your Doctor your concerns and him instructing you to come in just to make sure all is ok. Stillbirth is letting your parents and husband know you’re going in to be checked. Still birth is going into your doctor’s office, sitting in that comfy chair and the nurse trying to find your baby’s heart beat … then another nurse being called in because she needs help … then your doctor taking you to ultrasound to check baby out himself. Stillbirth is your Doctor who is also a very good friend tell you he is so sorry … so sorry that there is no heartbeat. Stillbirth is another doctor coming in to confirm your worse fears. Stillbirth is having to call your husband and not being able to stop crying enough to give him the news. Still birth is your family waiting outside your door and receiving the news. Still birth is your husband walking in that door and not being able to hold yourself up. Stillbirth is being told you will have to be induced and deliver your child naturally. Stillbirth is being sent home to get your things ready for the hospital and crying on your bed in disbelief. Still birth is going to labor and delivery seeing other mothers who will soon deliver their babies, their living healthy babies. Stillbirth is being admitted to the hospital and meeting the nurses who will help you  through this. Stillbirth is being bombarded by forms regarding what you want to do with your baby, Do you want them cremated … will your bury them? Stillbirth is having that significant sign on your door so that the nurses know your situation. Stillbirth is hating that jingle they play whenever a baby is born. Stillbirth is being in labor for almost 3 days, hoping and praying the outcome will be different that your baby will just wake up, that God will hear your plea and a miracle will happen. Stillbirth is having to tell your child’s sibling what happened and feeling like they hate you, like you failed them as a parent. Stillbirth is all your family and friends visiting you, sitting in silence crying with you. Stillbirth is getting ready to deliver but not wanting to because all you want is to have your baby a little longer. Stillbirth is the room filled with nurses, your doctor, the resident, your mother, your husband, your sister … all there to support you. Still birth is pushing and pushing and crying and screaming not because you’re in pain … but because your heart is broken. Stillbirth is finally delivering but hearing no cries, the room is silent, all your hear and silent cries and sniffles. Stillbirth is finally meeting your beautiful baby girl, holding her, loving her, adoring her features. Stillbirth is crying as your hold her, because it will be one of the last times. Stillbirth is watching your husband hold his daughter, his  lifeless daughter and seeing the love pour out from his eyes. Stillbirth is your doctor praying over your husband and yourself. Stillbirth is giving your family this one chance to meet their sister, granddaughter, cousin, niece. Stillbirth is hearts breaking. Still birth is leaving the hospital with nothing but a broken heart and eyes full of tears. Still birth is walking into your home and losing it because her crib is there and she is not. Stillbirth is planning a funeral and breaking down at the funeral home because … this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Stillbirth is instead of picking out a cute little pink outfit for her to wear, your picking out a pink little casket. Stillbirth is the violinist playing at her funeral but everything is foggy and the sound is distant. Stillbirth is watching all those pink and white balloons float away and wishing they’d take you with them. Stillbirth is analyzing what you could’ve done different, every s i n g l e day since you got the news. Stillbirth is something that brought me so much closer to my husband, the father of the daughter I have but no longer have. Stillbirth is looking at your child’s father and crying because she looks just like him. Stillbirth is waking up day after day with no answers as to why, why this happened. Stillbirth is something that unfortunately happened to me, my family.  Stillbirth is a soul punching, heart breaking, life changing experience. Stillbirth is having a healthy, happy 9months with your baby and having to say goodbye before you had a chance to say hello. My Stillbirth story has millions of questions and no answers. I gave birth to my daughter weighing in at 6 pounds 9oz, 20 inches long, 1 month before her due date. The umbilical cord was not wrapped around her neck, there were no abnormalities, She was perfect …. To perfect for this world.

She is our daughter, sister, niece, grand-daughter, cousin. She touched the lives of many and is very much a part of our family, we include her in all we do. Eva Gianna , Stillborn, Still Loved. 

4.4.16 - MY STORY IS COPYWRITTEN AND IT IS COPYWRITE INFRINGEMENT TO TRY AND PASS IT AS YOUR OWN. PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE MY DAUGHTER'S NAME FROM MY STORY. ITS UNFORTUNATE THAT I HAVE TO ADD THIS NOTE AS I POURED MY HEART OUT WRITING MY STORY YET SOME ARE VERY INCOSIDERATE AND INSTEAD OF LEAVING IT AS IS, THEY ARE TAKING CREDIT FOR IT. Legal action will be taken if need be. (It is that personal and that serious to me)